Friday, September 3, 2010

that little voice

As I have become older I have also become more insecure and doubting of myself.

Logically I know that there is no reason to doubt, to feel insecure. My brain can rationalize and tell me that these are false thoughts... yet there is this voice that keeps popping up. I almost want to give her a name - we often speak many times a day - we really should be on a first name basis. She is not a very supportive and encouraging friend. If I saw her number on my phone I would probably choose not to answer.

Depending on where I am teaching she may choose to come and help me setup for class. Once I take my seat she almost always goes away and I can teach with confidence. Often she returns for savasana. We silently argue - her telling me all of my mistakes, things that I forgot, telling me how someone else would have done it this way and better.

Sometimes she is winning the arguments and I start to scrutinize all aspects of the class and my teaching and start to wonder why am I doing this. On a pretty regular basis students will come to me after class (they actually go out of their way) to tell me they enjoyed the class or ask for advice. At this moment - I win the battle and she goes away. I receive confirmation from outside of myself to help win the battle and make her go away.

I know, in my head, the truth that I am a good teacher ; continuing to refine and improve on a daily basis. I think I am more insecure now then when I was 20 because I care a great deal more now about what I am doing - the stakes are higher. I want more for myself and for those around me.

At this time - I will choose to keep her without a name. I want our conversations to be less frequent so that she doesn't need a name.

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